Beware of Narcissists!

My recent experience of being in a mentally and physically abusive relationship has made me search for answers to why perpetrators of abuse and in particular narcissistic abuse, as it was in my case, are the way they  are!

There are a lot of misconceptions about what narcissistic behaviour actually is and before my experience, I had an incorrect understanding of it, being that  narcissism meant nothing more than a person being considerably more selfish and self centred than most, with an over cocky  and over inflated ego that boasted about themselves and perceived themselves as superior having little regard for others. I have added below a link for a more accurate description of narcissism and the traits of a narcissist..
https://fairytaleshadows.com/defining-narcissistic-abuse-pt-1-the-universe-of-false-selves-and-the-construction-of-reality/

I have made it my mission to learn alot from being abused by a narcissist and about narcissism and have now formed my own opinion of why narcissists do what they do and what drives this behaviour in them. In the main most narcissist behaviour stems from trauma of childhood and not having their needs met and that has left them feeling starved of love and attention with a broken sense of self worth and self loathing that they cannot face so they cut off emotionally and create a false identity for the purpose of manipulation and to control others to gain advantage over them and getting what they want and perceive being entitled to.

My opinion is that narcissists live in the past and relive daily all the wrong doings that they perceive have been done to them through no fault of their own. This constant recall causes constant anger and turmoil in them and the raw emotion is what triggers the uncontrollable rage that they then inflict on the person that they are now with and start to blame for all these wrong doings done by others as well as perceive you by convincing themselves by their deluded thinking as being the same as all those others and like all the others, you are out to destroy their lives, deceive them, cheat on them and take pleasure in seeing them hurting whilst wanting them to fail. Despite in the early days them telling you about the dreadful way others have treated them and you feeling sorry for their pain and intend to do everything you can to show them that they are loveable and were unlucky to suffer such pain inflicted by others and that you will never hurt them and in time will gain their trust and change their ugly view of the world… but their view stays the same and now incorporates you in it as another person who has wronged them without reason and this is after you have done your very best and more than necessary to reassure them and love them.

You start to question if you are now seen as badly as all the others after doing nothing but show kindness, empathy and support, whether these others have been so bad or has he become so damaged that he sees malice and devious behaviour that is not there. Somewhere along the line, the pain he was caused has been so intense that his fear response has been triggered so far off the scale that its now stuck in the most intense mode that perceives danger in everything and everyone which is simply not there so his survival instincts are on red alert and he has to attack and desensitize to protect himself from this perceived danger… the result being he causes intense hurt and pain to others who in turn eventually abandon him or take revenge or have nothing left to give him and have withdrawn from him emotionally.  All of which are seen as acts that are to wrong him so he was right to be fearful and hurt you as you did what he expected in the end, totally unaware that his behaviour caused it as in his mind, he was just protecting himself from danger. This all reinforces his fear that everyone is the enemy and out to get him thus he needs to protect himself and inflict the pain on them and wound them enough to stop them having the power and strength to destroy him or leave him…

Contrary to popular belief that narcissists target and prey on the weak, this is not the case whatsoever. A narcissist looks for high qualities in a person who would appear to have everything about them that the narcissist perceives is missing in them.

 These traits being:

an energy to live life being truly happy,

a person who has good morality and is always willing to help others,

a person who has life goals and motivation which means they dont quit easy, (and because of this they usually have the material things too that a narcissist sees as a bonus!)

a person who has above average intelligence and an open mind tending to see the whole picture with compassion and empathy therefore they tend not to judge others,

a person who is humble about their abilities and shows gratitude for the small mercies of life and expect very little of others to fulfill them.

https://www.goalcast.com/2018/04/02/in-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist/


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